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End of August 1976. & With whom!-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------We are all curious for feelings, motives. Real reasons of breaking up. After almost three years together.She plays it coolly down to them: "We just drift apart. Want to try different directions. Is normal, isn't it?Next part you all know well the plain facts. I am in the dozen, lead by Peter. Feel intimidated among them.Attractive girls, all seven of them. Seem all much more erotically experienced than me. Hardly boys at us.Peter proposes to skip the program on Wednesday. Instead to the beach in Bloemendaal. Lay beside him.Both tired from long nights drinking and dancing at student's clubs. All new to me. Bit of red wine at dinner.Toasting with his 'sexy secretary'. Our secret. Mom is sexually quite frigid. Sex once a month. Towel ready.See him looking at me. Get smiles & eye-winks. See his eyes at ease dwell. I hate howthey squish me and how the straps rub me. I hate wearing skirts and I hateheels (of course). I hate wearing tights because they make my legs feelsweaty and uncomfortable and I hate going bare-legged because my legs lookpale and blotchy and I hate when men look at them. I hate pretending to bea girl and I hate that I generally seem to be good at it. People tell mehow pretty I am and guys come on to me all the time. But it's what Davewants, so I have to do it.I have a rubbish therapist that Dave got for me who doesn't understandanything about me, but just keeps telling me how great I'm doing andincreasing my hormone levels. And every time he does so I think my cockshrivels up a bit more. Dave sent me to a transgender support group onceand I hated that most of all. They were so friendly and kind and eager tohelp and they told me that I didn't need to have any secrets from anyone anymore. My secret, which I can't tell anyone, and especially not them, isthat I'm not.
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